Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Games People Play

The light flips on,

"Why do you always do that? You can see with the light from the other room I'm in bed." I say to him.

"I can see that now." he states.

He turns the light off and walks past the bed into the bathroom. Now he's getting in the shower. It's obvious he is angry and I don't know why. I can only assume it's because I went to bed. He turned on the TV to watch boxing. I don’t' care much for sports and I was done with school for the night so I went to bed. Bad idea.

The dog is on the bed and sleeping with all four paws up in the air. He doesn't like the dog on the bed and thinks I give more attention to the dog than him. I move the dog over to my side of the bed. My youngest daughter comes in to say good night and she takes the dog so it doesn't cause further anxiety to what’s quickly turning into an argument. Please, please, please God not tonight.

When he's done showering he rolls into bed as he does every night. The bed is extremely high off the ground and my side has stairs to get up in it. He says nothing just dead silence. I'm waiting in the dark for him to start in on me. Waiting. Waiting. Nothing. Okay this is strange. I guess that's my cue to make the first move.

"Good night sweetie." I say turning directions to face him. I reach out and feel him reaching out as well. We lock arms and I settle down into my pillow.

"Good night." Again the silence.

Well this can't be all that bad, maybe he'll just fall asleep. I feel myself drifting off when he releases our grip and rolls over. I'm wide awake again. When he rolls over the entire bed moves because he's so heavy. This is actually a good thing, he always sleeps with his back to me so he must be getting tired. Life could be so good right now. I move my hand up to touch his back and he makes a slight moan. Oh God.

A week prior he came home from his road trip and I was overwhelmed with school. It's been decades since I've been in college and the nursing program is one of the most competitive programs to get into and high grades are required. I started school in May and have been working hard all summer to get an A in every class. So far I've been able to handle it but I'm taking Math now and it's my worst subject. After I was laid off in May we talked about me going back to school. He wants to get off the road and I want to do something different. Designing web pages isn't what it use to be years ago. Now days you have to program as well as be able to make a site look clean and professional. I hate programming and convinced it kills brain cells. None-the-less, his welcome home reception was undesirable and I was told how inconsiderate I was when he's out making all the money and all I do is use him. Again with me not working. There are days I feel like school is harder than any 8 to 5 job. School is full time for me and I do it from the moment I wake up till I go to bed. The plan is to get in and get out. I'm over 40 so time is of the essence to me. I guess if I was sitting in front of the TV stuffing Twinkies in my mouth all day I could understand him having a problem but I don't! I've worked hard for every A and very proud of myself. I bite my tongue and apologize for being inconsiderate.

We haven't had sex since he's been home and I'm okay with that. It's a little hard to want to be close to someone when they continuously bring you down. He gives me mixed signals when he tells me I'm using him and we won't last much longer. Does that mean he's getting ready to kick us out again or just spouting off because he's angry? He's very difficult to read and I'm always walking on egg shells wondering if what I say next is going to set him off. I can't stand him touching me anymore. He is so cruel to me verbally and just as mean to my children. In fact he talks cruel to everyone around him. I have only heard one other person in my life talk to people the way he does and that person is no longer around me. What the hell am I doing in this situation? Apparently the honing antennas on my head are not working properly as I continue to attract men with severe problems. Perhaps I should try the other gender maybe I would have better luck as a lesbian. Oh God, women are hormonal! I just can't win. Well I have my dog, my Sex and City DVD's, what more could I want?!

I'm starting to drift off again and feel myself roll over to my favorite position which is facing away from him. He instantly rolls over and moves behind me. I'm wide awake again but this time I'm very tired and a little edgy from almost being asleep and then woken up more than once. He rubs up and down my side then rests his arm on me. I lay completely still giving the impression I’m sound asleep. He rubs up and down the side of me again only a little more forceful. I think this is where I’m suppose to come to life. I move a little but nothing that makes him think I want to have sex with him. I can hear him breathing. I don’t want to play the pretend game tonight. Smile, tell him what he wants to hear, act like I’m enjoying myself and count the minutes until he’s done. He counts. He counts everything. How many times I kiss him. How many times we have sex. How many times we don’t have sex. I’ve never known anyone to keep track of everything they do in a day. It seems rather pointless to me. Perhaps this is his personal tickler file. I’m clueless. He rolls back over in a few minutes and I’m left alone.

The bed starts to jerk and I can hear his breathing become slower. He is finally falling asleep. He jerks when he starts to fall asleep. I find it strange. I have yet to understand why he does this. I lay there in the dark asking myself why I keep doing this. Why don’t I just talk to him, try to make him understand how I feel. My turn to play the counting game, I’ve tried so many times to talk to him I can’t remember how many times! I keep telling myself just keep your mouth shut and don’t cause waves. Then I find myself in trouble for not saying something. Either way I’m usually in trouble. It has begun to wear on me all the verbal abuse and school is one of the few remaining venues that helps keep my spirits high. He has won several Oscars in the verbal abuse category.

There are times I truly want my marriage to work out. I have suggested he seek counseling for his drinking problem and the habitual lying. He does not believe he has a drinking or lying problem. The point is mute. My life is a roller coaster and I want off. I wish I was further along in school. All I want is to go to school. I have sacrificed so much in the past for others, it’s my turn now. Tears drop off the bridge of my nose and land on my warm pillow. How could I have let this happen to me and my children? It makes me angry thinking about it. Maybe I should get a job. I can still go to night school. It might take me a few years longer but it will be worth it. I want to be happy and if that means growing old alone so be it. I sure as hell don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. My head hurts now from crying and because I’m so tired. I am restless now and can’t fall asleep. I lay there for what seems hours before finally drifting off. What to do. What to do.