Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Struggles, School and more

Today I struggled trying to get my schooling done. I'm half way through this computer class and while I'm learning a great deal I'm hating it. The work is tedious and it takes so much concentration. I stress constantly because I am unable to find work. The economy sucks right now and I keep telling myself that is why I can't find a job. It's hard to think that with all my skills I don't have people knocking down my door. That doesn't mean I walk on water, I think all it really adds up to is I've worked way too many years. I'd much rather it be years of playing in the sun. I seem to spend more time looking for a job than I do getting my school work done.

I had to go to the dentist early this morning and it looks like I'm in for some fun. I need two crowns on a couple of teeth. YEEHA! The mouth is sore and tender, that calls for some lovely ibuprofen and a strong drink. HA!

Later today I heard from him, he sent me a text saying good morning. He is working grave yard in St. George and will be home in two days. I love the peace and quiet when he is gone. I asked him what his intentions were with the downstairs bedroom and if it was alright if I stayed downstairs. He asked why I didn't want to move upstairs and I said I don't like going up and down the stairs. I've told him this before, they aggravate my knees and I hate them beyond explanation. He loves his stupid house, I on the other hand despise it. There is SO much wrong with his house. He wanted to build the addition for me thinking it would make everything better but it hasn't. I was told plain and clear that he would have built it whether we were together or not. It was meant to be, so I have stop ask myself then you didn't build it for me. You built it for you. He started to get upset and raise his voice to me and informed me we would just stay downstairs. He didn't want to move upstairs and leave me without furniture to sleep on the floor. I was actually blown away by this statement. He loves to go on and on about how he's a good person and won't do that to me.

When he was done talking he said you can talk now and I won't say anything. I said nothing because he ALWAYS interrupts me and usually blows up and yells at me. I told him I understood what he had to say and I didn't have anything to add. Perhaps when we are apart I can write a letter and try to explain some of my feeling since I had a difficult time expressing myself in voice. When I made this suggestion he did not like that and told me I should be able to say it now if I truly wanted to help our marriage. Then he went on to tell me he only asked me for two things love and that I have a good relationship with his children. I have done neither and so why should he want to try and work things out when I can't do those too little things. He said he has tried so hard to make our marriage work and has taken the time to build a relationship with my children and has given all his love to me.

What is my problem right? Perhaps it all started the first time he lied to me. I spent hours on the Internet looking for this story he had told me about, only the story didn't exist. I thought it strange, then later another incident until I finally started to question everything he had to say. I remember sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store crying because I had just told him this bullshit story to keep me and my kids out of trouble. Then I started lying all the time because he would accuse me and my kids of stuff we never did. I asked him before we were married about this "stretching of the truth" and he was instantly upset that I had approached his Mother about it. He never did answer my question about having a problem. He is a habitual liar. I have a notebook I keep of all the lies he has told me. So what is my problem? My husband is the problem and all his lies.