Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Husband #1

I met my first husband while I was taking singing lessons. I had entered a scholastic pageant and planned on singing for the talent portion. I needed someone to do the music for me. My voice instructor told me he was pretty good, so I gave him a call. We became friends and shortly afterwards formed a band which played around town a little. It was fun but a great deal of work.

I was 21 when I first met my husband; I'm also five years older than him. Yes he was still in high school when we first met. In the beginning it was no big deal because I had no intentions of things going beyond him helping me with my music. Then when we formed a band, it was still fun nothing was ever thought of even then. Slowly things were changing around me, all my friends from high school were getting married. I seemed to be the only one that wasn't married. By this time I was 23, I started to wonder if I was going to be an old maid. Why didn't anyone want me? Why was I the last one remaining, was this a sign? My first husband was there all the time, available and vulnerable, so I began to wonder what if I made a pass at him what would it hurt? Little did I know he was waiting for his opportunity.

We married shortly after he graduated from high school. His family loved me like I was their own daughter but I knew they wanted him to go on a mission (LDS Church) or at least attend college before he ventured into a life long relationship. However, we never made it to the death do we part, part.

Like in any relationship, things were great in the beginning right, it's the after the honeymoon stage when you start to settle into each other. It's then you really start to learn who you married, what little things about them drive you crazy and other stuff. For me it wasn't any of that at first, it was sex, right off the bat. Something went wrong, I wish I could explain it but it just wasn't there afterwards. It became a chore. I started having severe pains when we would have sex to the point I didn't want too. Finally I went to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. The doctor told me I had endometriosis. No wonder I had such awful monthly cycles. Believe me they were the worst, I would get so sick, throw up the whole thing. I hated it every month, but the doctor put me on the pill which was night and day for me. When I was first told I had endometriosis, I do not think I really understood until the doctor explained I probably would not be able to have children. Most women with endometriosis cannot have children. I did not understand at this point what anything meant but, I didn't think about it for a while because we weren't ready to start a family. Things continued on with me hating the sex and my husband hating the fact that we never had sex.

I think this is probably why he started to stray from me. I never knew the entire time we were married that he had several affairs. I guess I was really stupid but I thought he was a good guy. Thank God I never got anything from all those other women he was with. It still makes me angry when I think about it. It wasn't until we divorced and he was already in his second marriage that I found out about all these women. Actually it was his second wife that made him call me and confess. He had stepped out on me six times and one affair took place in our own bed.

Still I was no angel, I too had an affair with my future second husband. I had not heard from him in years. He was always the one challenge I did not win. He had a girlfriend that was an ice skater, she was everything I wasn't. Tall, blonde, long legs and she modeled on top of her ice skating. I hated her from the beginning because she was so gorgeous. She was now out of the picture so the timing was perfect other than I was married!! I heard his voice on a talk radio show one night. I called the radio station, gave them my phone number and asked my future second husband to call me. I didn't mean to sleep with him it just happened right. It was wonderful. He was so experienced, he knew how to make me feel like a woman. For the first time in a long time there was no pain. He was gentle, and slow, everything my husband was not. It was sad. It was awful. I felt like shit for cheating on my husband, so I told him what I had done. He called me every name in the book and rightly so I deserved it. I went right away to my Bishop confessed what I had done and asked for forgiveness. I did not want my marriage to end. I was lonely like my husband, we were drifting apart. Even having our miracle baby did not pull us back together. We now had a child which only complicated things.

I was forgiven in the LDS Church, my husband and I started to see a marriage counselor but he did not want to go. He did not have a problem, I did, so I continued to go. It was not working with just me going, the idea was to have both of us attend as a couple. He had moved out and was living with his parents. I was with my mom. I knew it wasn't going to work and I had known for a while. My love for him was no longer the love a wife had for her husband, it was more maternal, like a mother. I had begun to feel like I was his mother not his wife. He was so immature in many areas yet acted like an adult in other ways. It was confusing. It was not until years later I understood how he had become the con-artist he is today. I knew we had come to crossing points. A decision had to be made. I did not want to spend the rest of my life with a man I had to be a mother to. I wanted love, romance and desire. I felt nothing like that towards my husband so I filed for divorce.

It was a bitter divorce, he tried to get custody of our daughter, but it did not happen. I did not ask for alimony and was told I would not get it because we were not married long enough. I'm not so sure that was correct but at the time I did not care. I only wanted sole custody of my daughter and I got it. Nothing else mattered. I had my daughter. We moved on with our lives- minus one.