Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Husband #3

After working six years for Intel Corporation they decided to pull out of Utah. I was one of the lucky one's that got put in the "redeployment pool." Once you landed here you were given so many weeks to find another job within the company. If you didn't then you got a lovely severence package which was to be considered some sort of penance for the years you vested with the company. I was dating again, something I had thought I would not do. The big thing at the time was hooking up with different people online via a dating service. I was a member of match.com, a popular site at the time. I had met several men, dated a few but nothing serious. I met one man who lived in Logan but nothing serious really because of the distance. He was also looking for a women that liked to do athletic type stuff all the time because he was a triathelete. I didn't even know what that was at the time. It wasn't really me so I moved on. When he contacted me in the beginning, I thought now why is he interested in me? We did not have the same interests at all. Needless to say we started chatting and decided to met for dinner one night.

He was very kind, perfect gentlemen the entire night. We dated for an entire year. Around the same time Intel was redeploying people was the same time my third husband and I decided we wanted to be together permanently. I did not bother looking for another position within Intel. I left the company and moved my children to Logan, UT. My children did not want to go, in fact my oldest didn't go. She moved in with her father to finish high school. I did not blame her, she didn't want to move to a new school when she was almost done with high school. 

It was bad before it ever got good and it never got good. There were warning signs that popped up telling me this isn't a good move. I even asked myself at one point what are you doing? But I was kinda already going through the motions so it wasn't like I could stop. Also, I had fallen behind on my mortgage payment and he bailed me out. I guess I kinda owed him for that. I was still working at Albertson's part-time and this became my full-time job. It was a very different environment working up in Logan. I instantly hated my job and the people I worked with, they were all very clicky. I never did fit in with their little group.

One day when I got home both of my kids were playing around and no homework had been done. I told them to get busy but they still ignored me. My third husband's daughter was over at the time hanging out with my kids, which wasn't helping them get their homework done. I explained to her she needed to go home so homework was completed. Next thing I know my cell phone is ringing and my husband yelling at me that his daughter can come over anytime she damn well wants. Who the hell did I think I was?? That's when the lies started. I never stopped until three years later when we were in our own place, away from his abuse. I was always lying to keep us out of trouble because I was constantly in trouble with my husband. No matter what I did he was unhappy with me. We/I would do nothing wrong and still he would upset with me. It was frustrating. I hate people that lie and here I was doing it. 

I started to keep a record of all the times he lied to me about things. Yes, I had married a chronic/habitual liar. It was so sad how he actually believed all these lies he told to people, even his family. What was even worse that his family never called him on any of them, only me. So of course, I was the bad guy for speaking up. His life was nothing but drama. It started early and ended late. He drank heavily while we were married. He is not only a liar but an alcoholic. Before me he was a drug user and has a severe problem with porn. My children got into porn because of him. It's so evil and can bring you down fast. All of this I did not know because of him lying to me. Once I found out about the lies I realized that our entire relationship had been based on false pretense. I wanted out!!

He had verbally abused my children more than once. I was constantly told I did not try hard enough with his girls to be friends with them. Yet they never had to do anything it was all me. They could take him out for his birthday and not include us and it was okay. But if I did that I would get into trouble. It went on and on for about three years until he decided he was done with me. He kicked us out of his house, basically in the street with no where to go. I did not have a job at the time I was going to school full time to become a nurse. No place to live and no job. It was awful.

We lived with my best friend in Sandy, UT for about five months while I found a job and an apartment. That was another living hell (another blog). We have been on our own again for three years now. My third husband had to pay some alimony it wasn't much but it helped us get by. The economy had changed so much in three years that I could not find a job. I had to take whatever I could. I went from working as a CNA to working for IHC then got on with the UofU. It took me a year to get on at the U. I have been there ever since. 

I should have listened to my children and never married the guy. They didn't want to move up to Logan. I thought he was a decent guy, hell we dated for a year! But like I said there were warning signs and I asked him about his drinking. I asked lots of questions, I even spoke with his mother who while honest she still sided with him. I think she's an alcoholic as well. In the three years I was in that family, I never saw her without a drink in her hand. That family liked their liquor. I never drank much but enjoyed an occasional glass of white wine. I stopped drinking altogether after a while because my third husband started to use the phrase "Well you would know if you hadn't drank so much." He could never use that against me again. He never drank for pleasure it was only to get drunk, he was a wine-o. I nick-named him "Alcy" I had never known anyone that could drink as much as him, then get up the next morning and go to work.

We all had been beaten down a bit but came back fighting. My youngest daughter suffered the most, she is in therapy. I'm confident she will forget this, not let his words hurt her and realize he was the one with the problem. We were his punching bags. We move forward trying to make our lives better. I believe in karma, if he hasn't dealt with the karma he inflicted on us and others then it is just a matter of time for him. I pity the man.

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