Thursday, October 25, 2012

My Fear

I am inspired by a movie I saw tonight to speak of my greatest fear. I'm not sure I know what my greatest fear is. Maybe I don't have any fears, maybe I've tucked them so far away that if I don't think about them then they don't exist. Or maybe I'm just in denial of my greatest fear.  Yet if I speak of it then I'm dealing with it, or so the saying goes.

So what is my greatest fear? Let's make a list and see what we come up with.

  • Growing old alone
  • My mom dying, leaving me alone
  • My kids growing up leaving me alone
  • Getting too old to take care of myself I have to live in assisted living
  • Not being able to do all the things I could when I was young because I got old

It looks like I have a problem with old age. It is true I do not like aging, it's the worst.  I am fighting it every step of the way. The funny thing is that no one my age seems to mind or they don't say anything about it. I have TONS to say. Why is it that no one wants to talk about it? People around my age laugh and poke fun of getting older but no one really says how frustrating it is. So is growing old my greatest fear??

I have always hated the fact I was getting older, then one I woke and here I am almost 49. One more year and its all down hill from there right?? OMG! Has anyone found the Fountain of Youth yet? It is so scary to think that my body will not do the things I want it to. Does this mean I have to stop living? Do I have to resort to sitting in front of the TV for the rest of my live. If that is the case I do not want any part of this. Let's end it now. I do not want to be one of those elderly folks stuck in a nursing home who's children come to visit them once a year. I'd rather be dead. This is one reason why I am afraid of growing old because I am not married. The hard part is that I like being single, I do not want to be married ever again. I just want to be grow old around my children. So how do you keep all your kids together when one wants to live in NY, another in MT or Alaska. I heard of a woman that lived in a nearby state, she was found in my home state (far from her home) with no idea how she got here. All of her children live in other states, not one lives close to her. She lives alone. I felt so sorry for this woman because she has no one. I do not want to end up like this yet I do not expect my children to support me. I am capable of taking care of myself. 

In fact I am trying hard to find a duplex or home with a mother in-law apartment in it so my mother can come live with me. I want to take care of her. I do not like my mother living alone. It scares me, anything could happen and no one is there with her. Please dear Lord help me to find a place. 

It looks like I have a fair amount of fear I never acknowledged before. This is good therapy! I am getting it all out. Hopefully by writing/confronting this fear will help me act upon it by making solid decisions that will help me in the future. I am unsure of the future with my mother, my children and myself. I know I am not be able to control my aging but I will continue to slather all the beauty products on every day with high hopes one of them will work. This may be my only Fountain of Youth. I continue with my daily ideas of starting a business. I am not certain what I will do, if anything at all. Some days I am so frustrated I just want to go get a part-time job. Other days I tell myself it will take time for me to find the right business. One that will be me, one that will give to others, one that maybe my children can carry on after I am gone. Who knows. Maybe this is my greatest fear of all, the fear of failure to try.