Wednesday, October 17, 2012

My Oldest Sister

I have two older sisters, my eldest I have always looked up to. I wanted to be her since I could remember. She had everything I wanted, the bedroom set, the records, the cool friends. Whatever she had I wanted. When she would leave with her friends I would sneak into her room and go through her stuff, mostly her perfume. Being six years younger made it even harder on me as I watched her have it all. I guess that was the hard thing about being the youngest, you always want what your older sibling has.

Jeanne and I were very close while growing up. She was my second mom in many ways. The older I got it seemed the longer the hours were that mom was away from home. I could have that wrong of course, it probably just felt that way. I do remember starting my period when mom was still at work and Jeanne had to help me. I was angry at mom for not being there when I needed her. It was not her fault but still I didn't care. Jeanne was always there if mom wasn't, that is what big sisters are for.

Jeanne took the brunt of everything being the oldest, what I mean is the beginning of the abuse we endured from our father. I felt so awful for her when he started in on her. Jeanne couldn't swallow a pill and he would try to help her, only his way of helping was yelling and degrading her till she cried uncontrollably. He would only yell louder when she did this. He never touched her though, he saved all that for me. I'm glad he did not physically harm her, I don't think she could have taken that. She is still very fragile today from the verbal abuse.

Jeanne married a man from our home town and had two children. She was the best mom ever. They moved around quite a bit looking for work but also because their youngest was deaf. They did not like Utah much so they moved to Montana and Idaho where the deaf schools were better. They are back here living in Utah once again. Both of their children grown, married and living on their own. I always looked up to Jeanne, she was my inspiration when I got married and had my first baby. I wanted to be a good mother just like her.

Somewhere along the way we lost touch, feelings got hurt then years went by. We talk when we have to now. No more phone calls just to say hi or whats going on. This sort of thing happens with friends you don't see over a period of time but never family. At least that's what I thought. It was never my intention to hurt or offend my sister that would drive her away. I wish I could take away my sister's grudge that she holds for me. Try to make her understand I did not want to be right and her wrong. I am convinced that as we age quarrels stay with us longer, we remember, we harbor those ill feelings instead of letting things roll off our back. I'm not sure why that is but I feel it with myself as well. It bothers me, these things are trivial and should not keep family and friends away. My sister and I have tried to mend our relationship but it just isn't the same. Her husband has control over her that makes me sick some days. It's like she cannot do anything without his permission. Dwelling on these issues does not help so I try my best to think of all the fun times we have shared.

I still admire my sister, still look up to her, always will. She is and will always be my idol. I pray for the day that she will call me just to say hi, perhaps ask if I want to have lunch. I imagine us sitting, laughing, talking about nothing but having the best of times. I hate what has happened between us. I wish it all away. I miss my sister to the point of tears. If God gave us a magic pencil with an eraser to fix the past, my pencil would have no eraser left. I hope she will forgive me.