Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Once Again

Since I started this blog I have written little about what I wanted, said little that I wanted and feared more about what I said than anything. I suppose some of my aprehension is because I do not want to offend anyone least anyone in my family. I often worry about writing in my "books" as I call them, since family can read them after I am gone. So I carry my thoughts in my head fearing some day someone might get in and read those thoughts. Of course that is absurd so why am I still afraid?

This is where I would like to be able to say anything. These are my thoughts I want to share with whomever wants to read them. They will be happy, sad, angry, melancholy but whatever, they will be me. I do not want to write happy thoughts every day when I feel like shit. I will express myself however I choose in my daily writings. The intent is not to offend anyone just me writing what I feel about everyday happenings. Enough said let's begin.

About Me.

My name is Audrey. I have always loved my name, I've come across two other people in my life time with my name. I didn't like it. They needed a new name because this one was taken. Now that I work for a hospital I see my name all the time. It's hard to accept, so the few times someone has sat across from me with the same name, I addressed them by their last name. Case solved.

My middle name is Elizabeth. It means noble I believe. I'm not sure what my first name means. Am I noble? Do I feel noble? Not yet. If anyone was noble it was my great aunt who I was named after. She was noble in every sense of the word. I adored her. Loved everything about her. I will talk about her at some point because she deserves her time in my writing world. You will love her. Her name is Elizabeth. We called her Aunt Bess. No one called me Bess, my older sister called me Lizzy when she wanted to make me mad. I went by Audrey, no nick name, hate nick names. Just call me Audrey.

I was born at the end of the baby boomers era, 1963. They boomers lasted one more year then ended in 1964. My father was never in the war so I shouldn't be considered a boomer right? Yet being born in that time frame where else would I be put? No matter. I was also the last girl to be born into my family. I have two older sisters, no brothers which my father wanted more than anything. Girls were a waste.

Back then society was changing but slowly, women were starting to work outside of the home. They were becoming braver, able to speak out but with a cost. This is the case for my mother. She worked outside of the home and divorced my father in a time when you did not speak out. You did not question your husband, you stayed married. She is my rock. To this day she is the most strongest person I know.

My parents divorced when I was six years old. My mother had been working for years to learn how to take care of us girls on her own. We moved to Las Cruces, NM in 1970 or 1971. We stayed there for five years then moved up to Albuquerque, NM. I loved NM with all my heart. The people there are wonderful. They are kind hearted. I have the best memories of living there.

From NM we moved to Pueblo, CO, which was hell on earth for me. I hated everything about it. It was so far from my NM home. The schools overwhelmed me. I was a fairly shy person. I didn't do well with so many bodies all around me. My first year in high school didn't go so well. I'm not sure I passed or if I did with little credits. I didn't want to stay there, so I asked my mother if I could move back our small hometown and finish high school there. That meant living with my father who had little to do with me over the years. He agreed so I finished school there and moved up to Salt Lake City where my mother had moved to after I came back to Utah. 

I stayed with my mother until I married in the Salt Lake Temple in 1985. I was married for about seven years then divorced. I married again for three years and two children later. A ten-year lapse in time occurred before venturing again into marriage. This time it lasted for another three years. Clearly I need help in the relationship area. Don't judge me too harshly, I have gone and seen a therapist over the years to understand myself better, even learn why I choose the type of men I do. I've come to understand that I have abandonment issues with men.

Here I am 48 years later, still divorced, with three children that continue to decorate my life daily. What would I do without them? I have no college degree but I have taken many college classes. I'm trying to make it through the basic classes but I struggle with those. The idea of a personal tutor for each class is a highly favorable consideration at this point. I wonder how much that costs?

I cannot say things are good in my life right now. We are struggling which is why I decided to go back to school. A higher income would be VERY nice right now, better yet I need to take care of myself to ensure I have a good retirement. A higher education would be helpful. I seem to have a problem with staying focused on any one thing in my life. The ideas I have are in abundance, yet my follow-through is where I lack. My commitment peters out long before it should or I would like it to. It's frustrating because I feel that I should be so much further in my life. I have no home, I rent an apartment. I have no college degree I merely work where I can get work or a field where I've had the most experience. I may or may not be happy but I've limited myself because I have no formal training. I don't feel bad for myself but I do for my children. I want them to have so much and these past three years have been so hard on my second and third child. I'm not sure if it will get better anytime soon. It might be several years and then they will be gone from home. This is where my dilemma lies today.