Thursday, November 1, 2012

My Father

In a normal family, the man and woman marry, buy a home, have children while living the American Dream right? I cannot answer this question as I would not know what a "normal family" is. I did think that my family was normal until my parents divorced when I was six years old. I thought for years my mother left my father because of me. I knew he did not like me, even as a child I may not have understood what I was feeling but I sure as hell could feel it. He never told me he loved me, if he did I do not remember it. Or it was far and few in between times he did say it.

I can recall the times I got into trouble, they seemed to be more often than times of enjoyment. There was little laughter and love in our home when I was growing up, which is why I was always over at my  grandma's house. She had more love than anyone I knew, well other than my mom. It was different though, my grandma was my protector from harm. My mom was not because I had heard my father yell at her so many times. My father would never yell at my grandma, he would not even conceive of doing such a thing. I would wrap my arms around my grandma's leg when he would come around or run for the couch and start bumping my head against the back of the couch. Grandma told mom I was doing this; I guess it concerned her a great deal. Mom took me into the doctor and he said it was out of fear. The bumping of my head was a way of me dealing with my father physically abusing me. The doctor suggested I be put on liquid tranquilizers. I think that was last thing she needed to hear because she filed for divorce not too long after that.

I could go into detail and tell you what I remember at such a young age but it would serve no purpose to me or anyone reading this. We've all heard and read so many awful stories over the years. There is enough hurt in the world. I know what happened, it is a part of me. A part that I cannot remove, erase or forget, but what I can do is speak up about abuse, not hide it as if I were the one who caused my physical abuse. I hope I am better person in spite of what I endured as a child. I have come to the conclusion that my father truly wanted a boy and after three girls he was done with my mother not giving him a son, but also having three useless girls. Because my mother paid him little attention and gave us all her time, he did not like this either. My mother did not want me and when she found out she was pregnant she told the doctor she did not want to have another baby with my father. He told her to turn all her love into having this new baby and so she did- another reason he disliked me so much.

When my mother divorced my father we moved far away and saw my father only in the summertime. I did return and live with my father the last three years of high school. In those years he was very kind to me, but I made sure I did nothing to cross him. That ended the last month of my senior year in high school. I crossed the line and there was hell to pay. I left his home and never went back, that was over 30 years ago. I have spoken only a few words to my father in all this time. I am no longer alive in his eyes. He has driven off my oldest sister as well. He only speaks to my middle sister, she was always the tom boy of the family. She would stand up to my father and he would laugh at her she was so cute. I got thrown across the room.

Am I angry? YES! Have I forgiven my father? NO! Should I? Probably but I'm like him, I can hold a grudge. It does nothing for me to hold this anger inside, I know. I do not need anyone or any therapist to tell me this. Still it hurts, I can't make that go away. I was a child who did nothing wrong. So while I recognize this, I wish he could apologize to me but he never will. I pity the man. I want him to know that what he did was wrong, you do not hurt people the way he did and get away it. You do not hurt innocent children. Children are not resilient like people say they are, they just hide things better than adults. So that's what I did, I hid the pain. I hid the hurt. I hid all of it for years thinking that it would just go away but it never did. I have moved on forgotten about him, married, gave birth to three beautiful babies, raised them and he was never a part of any of this. It is he that has lost out on 30 years of memories. I still pity him.