Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Getting Older

I'm going to be 50 this year and I still have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm frustrated that all my life I never did what I wanted or thought I wanted to do at the time. Now that I'm older I no longer want to do nursing nor do I know what I would like to do in its place. I feel that I have gone from job to job just to get by. What kind of a life is that? I guess I did okay so I shouldn't be complaining right, only I've always wanted to do my own thing I just never knew what that was. I should make a list of all the things I have done so I can look at it then see if I'm still a loser for not being where I want to be in my life. I bet you anything I'll be very proud of my accomplishments. I've never thought of doing that before. Woah, I amaze myself. I've always had a 1000 different ideas but never did any of them. I have started several or attempted to start but never went beyond. I think some of the reason is that I am afraid I will fail. I'm not completely sure this is the reason, but strongly believe it is one. I also I have not really gotten excited about something longer than a week to get going on it. Even my book I started years ago, still on chapter one. I love my story but I feel incompetent to finish it so I stopped. I told myself I needed more writing experience so I stopped thinking I would take more writing classes then start back. Never happened. What is my problem? Failure to commit? I'm like Julie in "Julie and Julia." When I think I've committed I back out. I don't understand why like I said. I have tons of recipes and some days I pull a bunch out and say I'm going to bake all week and these are the recipes I want to try, then I don't do it. Even my baking has gotten stale lately. Although I did make amazing stew and rolls (more on that later).

So now that I've gotten this job promotion I've been thinking allot about what I want to do with my evenings and weekends. I love blogging, I actually look forward to sitting down in front my laptop. It's very therapeutic for me. It's not quite the same as writing in a journal. I try my best to be honest with what I say but I find myself think about family or friends reading it so I don't always write what I'm feeling. I hope to overcome that and this is a good time to start. I'm going to be real honest. This isn't a sympathy blog, pity party or anything else. I do not have the circle of friends I once had in my past. The people I work with are co-workers. None of these people am I truly close to nor would I do anything with them outside of work. There was a time when I did have lots of friends, but you know how you get out of touch with people. Time goes by, you wake up and it's been a year since you last saw your best friend. I guess that's what happened to me. I have noticed that the older I get the harder it is to make friends. I don't want my kids to feel sorry for me and hang around just because mom is alone. They need to be off doing their own thing. That's another reason my mom and I need to be living together so we'll have each other.

So here's the big question. Am I depressed?? I might be, I don't want to be!!!! UGH! The more I stare at the question the more I think I am. I think we all are to some degree. It being winter time doesn't help, but it was just summer and I did little. I hardly rode my bike last summer and I LOVE TO RIDE MY BIKE. I am in a rut, that's all there is to it. This is what I want (it's 100% selfish--I don't care). I would like someone I can take a cooking class with, no lots of cooking classes. Someone I can call and say "Hey I'd like a class of wine, you interested?" Someone that will go with me to the Park City Wine Festival. Someone that wants to go hiking and enjoys it not grudgingly goes along because I asked them. Someone to bake with throughout the week, try new recipes and just have fun. 

Do you ever get depressed? What do you do? How did you overcome it? I should write a book how to overcome depression without medication. I don't want to go to the doctor, they'll just want me to start taking an antidepressant med and I won't. It messes with your brain too much. I want to do my own thing and be happy. Is that asking too much??

For years I have taken care of my children on my own. Now that they are almost grown I find myself wondering what will I do? I like feeling needed but more than anything I am going to be alone. I have never had a problem with being alone but the older I get the more I think about it. Maybe I do not want to be alone after all. Another reason why my mother and I need to be together. We need each other even if it's only for a short time. I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but I sure as hell don't want to get married just so I am not alone. I'd rather be on my own so I can do the things I enjoy like my yoga, riding my bike, bake, or go on long hikes. I make it sound like I'm 80 rather than soon to be 50. I should take advantage of the time I will have to myself. No more loud teenagers right? 

I have a year to figure it out. I don't want to turn 50 and continue down this path of unknowing. Audrey ____________________ (fill in the blank at some point).