Sunday, March 10, 2013

Books That Make You Think

I have been reading the pioneer series Sarah Agnes Prine by Nancy E. Turner over the past few months. With each book I have watched Sarah grow, become a woman, marry and raise a family. Now in the last book as Sarah's children are grown and raising families of their own she is faced with being alone as her husband died a few years earlier. So much of what I am reading relates to me. It has touched me so that I find myself thinking about it more and more. I am single, my children are almost grown too. The more I contemplate, the more I think how much I DON'T want my children to leave home. My oldest has not lived with me for several years. Now my second oldest is close to graduating with my youngest just a year away. Is it the fact when they leave I will be alone? Am I afraid of being alone? Or is it the age factor? You know the older you get, the more weepy you become, thus you want your children to stay around longer. I'm not sure.

It is not like me to be so emotional. I am very independent; have been all my life. I have raised my children on my own with little financial support from their fathers. While I have tried marriage three times now, it doesn't seem to mix well with me. I do believe my independence did not help past relationships but was not the main reason they failed. The idea of marrying again brings back painful memories I care not to relive. I have been single more years than married much that I love my independence. I answer to no one and I have the freedom to come and go as I please. I know of some women that style their hair the way their husband likes it. Their husband goes with them everywhere, even to the grocery store. Why is that I wonder? Why would  a woman not style her hair the way she likes it. I would hate to be told what to do! Isn't that called slavery?? I have a brain to make my own decisions regarding my hair, clothes, etc. I think it sad women have settled to be told what to do. I believe this lifestyle existed way back in the 1950's, that is not the case today. I would have been in constant trouble had I lived in that time period.

The past several years have been a real eye-opener for me as I watch my mother age. She slowly deteriorates as time passes which breaks my heart because I cannot do a damn thing about it. I try my hardest to spend as much time with her as I can. Each year that passes I commit to memory thanking God for the last twelve months. I try not to think something is wrong every time she calls me. She has her good days and bad. Because I am getting older and starting to feel more aches and pains I look at my mother and ask is this what I have to look forward to? Does it just get worse? I work in the health care industry in direct contact with patients. All day long I listen to them tell me how things are just wearing out. It bothered me so much that last year I took a yoga class to improve my practice. I would love to take more classes and become certified. There needs to be more yoga classes for people my age. All this will not stop me aging, nor will it keep my children at home. It especially won't stop the anxious feeling inside gnawing away telling me one day I will be without my children. What will I do then? Good question...what will I do then?